Natsukashii

Goodbyes - that word is an oxymoron to me. I have never been good at them, nor do I think that they are particularly good!

When I left Japan for two and a half years ago, I was one stressed out, emotional mess. I was so busy with packing, cleaning, and getting ready for my trip and moving back that I had no time to properly say goodbye to anyone. My head was full of my upcoming trip to India, the dread of going back to grad school, anxiety about my uncertain future, and sadness about leaving. My last day was spent frantically running around, closing my bank account and settling things with my landlady. I said a quick　goodbye to my teachers, rushed through a last lunch at my favourite udon place, and before I knew it, I was hugging Mr. Oe and Hatsumi goodbye at the train station and then I was gone, speeding away from my life and towards the unknown. As I looked at Lake Biwa for the last time, I promised myself that I'd come back.

Now that I've finished school and am working, I have finally had chance to visit again. Sure, I could have gone somewhere new, but it was really important to me that I see everyone who has been so kind to me for the three years that I was in Japan. I was a little nervous and apprehensive - what if everything has changed and I am disappointed? Will things be the way I remember? Will I find that I have nothing in common anymore with my friends and colleagues? (And how am I going to communicate with my dismal Japanese?!) Is it true that you can't go back?

When I arrived at Kansai airport, it really felt like I was going home in a way. (I think I have been to that airport more times than the Vancouver one, what with all the travelling I did!)　Surprisingly, I ran into one of my former students on the train. She is now 21 - when I first taught her, she was 15! She was a first-year student when I just started, so I was her teacher for almost her entire high school years, and watched her graduate. She was one of the "punk" kids and we had fun reminiscing - with my broken Japanese! - about how we used to share music and run into each other when snowboarding. She took out her mobile and showed me pictures of some of her former classmates and updated me on everyone. It is amazing how they are so grown up. A few are already moms - early pregnancies seems to happen in the countryside - others are in university or working.

I went back to Takashima high school yesterday and I felt a bit like a ghost coming back to haunt the place! Everyone was really surprised to see me and it was really fun to catch up. I was kind of surprised to see that not much has changed - some teachers are married or have had kids - but mostly things seem about the same. Unfortunately I just missed graduation, so none of my former students are there anymore. I do miss them, and when I see the new ones in the hall and see all their energy and potential, it really makes me miss teaching.

The town itself also hasn't changed much. A few shops and restaurants have closed, and a few new ones have opened, but mostly things are the same. Seems like people remember me - I went to my favourite tofu restaurant and the owners were surprised to see me and gave us a huge block of their handmade tofu to go along with my meal! Good thing my friend has a tofu-loving baby - don't think I could put that in a doggy bag!

So far, I have really enjoyed coming back and seeing everyone. I haven't felt disappointed or weird at all. I am touched by everyone's warm welcome and I really feel that I am so lucky to have met such amazing people.

As I was taking the train yesterday, looking at the monkeys in the rice field, green leafy mountains and the sun sparkling off the lake, I briefly thought about moving back. I could probably find a teaching gig in Kyoto, and I would have the opportunity to travel again. But then I think about my friends and family and career at home, and I know that I wouldn't truly be fulfilled. It is a bit of a dream world living in Japan as a foreigner, and unless I find really rewarding, meaningful work, I can't see myself staying here long-term. Visiting is really wonderful and I will stay in touch with all my friends, but my life here is finished. You really can't go back.